Why Chasing Others’ Happiness is Draining Yours – and How to Truly Be Happy
In Pakistan, from the moment we are children, we are taught to keep others happy.
“Teacher ko khush karo, marks milenge.”
“Abbu ko khush karo, pocket money milegi.”
“Mammi ko khush karo, warna naraz ho jaengi.”
This conditioning becomes so deeply rooted that as adults, many of us measure our worth by how others feel about us — instead of how we feel about ourselves.
Let’s explore how this shapes our thought process and emotions.
- Childhood Conditioning
From a young age, children are told: “Good kids don’t upset elders.”
Example: A child who wants to play outside but is forced to sit quietly at a family gathering to “show tameez” learns to suppress his own needs to please others.
Effect: This trains the mind to link self-worth with others’ approval.
- The Need for Validation (Social Pressure)
In Pakistani culture, approval from society is considered success.
Example: A young man chooses engineering over his passion for music because “log kya kahenge” if he picks art.
Effect: Decisions are made for applause, not personal satisfaction.
- Emotional Impact
Constantly prioritizing others can lead to emotional numbness.
Example: A woman never says “no” to her relatives’ demands, even if she’s exhausted, and then feels unappreciated.
Effect: Over time, this builds resentment and hidden sadness.
- The Comparison Trap
In our culture, success is often measured against others.
Example: “Dekho Ahmed ka beta Canada chala gaya, tum ne kya kiya?”
Effect: Even personal achievements feel small if they’re not “better than” someone else’s.
- Self-Esteem Damage
When happiness depends on others’ opinions, self-esteem becomes fragile.
Example: A student who feels confident only if praised by the teacher struggles to believe in themselves when criticized.
Effect: Self-worth becomes conditional, leading to anxiety and low confidence.
Happiness Lies Inside – Not Outside
Happiness isn’t something you earn from others — it’s something you cultivate within.
Science tells us there are 16 major hormones affecting mood, out of which 4 are “happy hormones” and 1 is linked to sadness.
The 4 Happy Hormones
- Endorphins – Pain Management
- Natural painkillers that uplift mood.
- How to trigger: Walk, exercise, dance, or laugh.
- Example: Going for a brisk walk in the park after work.
- Dopamine – Sense of Achievement
- Released when you accomplish something.
- How to trigger: Set small goals and complete them.
- Example: Finishing a book you’ve been meaning to read.
- Serotonin – Gratitude & Well-being
- Boosts mood through appreciation.
- How to trigger: Practice gratitude, help others.
- Example: Serving food at a shelter and feeling fulfilled.
- Oxytocin – Love & Connection
- Released during bonding moments.
- How to trigger: Spend quality time with loved ones, hugs, kind words.
- Example: A heartfelt conversation with your parents.
The Sad Hormone
- Adrenaline – Anxiety & Fear
- In small doses, it helps in emergencies.
- But if we neglect the four happy hormones, adrenaline dominates, leading to constant worry.
- Example: Overthinking before a family wedding about “log kya kahenge” instead of enjoying it.
Final Thought
When you stop chasing the impossible task of making everyone happy, you free yourself to live authentically.
Happiness is not in applause — it’s in alignment with yourself.
